Fly
by nina90
Summary: I could fly. She told herself, looking down at the canyon before her. I could fly for myself. Not for anyone else but me. GSR Angst Complete!
1. Part I

Title: Fly

Author: Nina90

Rating: Teen

Classification: GSR angst

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, if I did, Sara and Grissm would be on their second child already!

Spoilers: none

Summary: _I could fly. _She told herself, looking down at the canyon before her. _I could fly for myself. Not for anyone else but me. _

Status: Finished

The weather was unusually hot, even for Las Vegas in the middle of June. Tourists stayed inside at the casinos with the comfort of air conditioning. Rather than enjoy the sights the city had to offer. In the desert the heat was unbearable, the temperature reaching up to 113 degrees F, in the sun. Even the vegitation that grew naturaly was suffering from the severe drought.

Sara peeled off her forensics vest as she climbed out of her car. She stood for a moment, silently ovserving the beautiful cliff that's location was miles from the city. The location which harbored the death of Joann Duran, a middle aged woman who was high in her career. _She shouldn't have died. _Sara thought bitterly, _She should still be alive, she should have lived. _

The case was now officially labled 'unsolved'. But what it really ment was that Sara didn't have enough evidence to pin the murder on the murderer, David Duran. Sara knew he did it. She just knew. On the ex-rays of Joann's body all the fractures and broken bones of the past and recent showed up. People didn't get injuries from everyday life. They got them when they were being abused.

Sara knew that for a fact, seeing her mother desperatly try to cover the cuts and broken bones she recevied all to regularly. Sara remembered the pain of hearing her mother cry out in the night, cry when Sara's father beat her, for no apparent reason. She had taken this job to try and bring all the women who suffered like her mother to justice. Just sometimes people were special.

That's the way it is.

Sara left the car door open as she walked to the edge of the cliff. Her black tank top catching too much sun, making her uncomfertable. Her black heeled boots getting dusty as she walked over the silent land.

_Why is it, _Sara wondered as she stopped at the edge of the cliff that hung 40 feet above the landing, _That people who have a reason to live die, and people that have no purpose live? Why did Joann have to die? Why did her husband have to kill her? _'People die everyday, Sara.' _But maybe they don't deserve to die. _

Sara thought as she remembered the words Grissom had said to her earlier. When she had broke down in his office, with tears streaming down her cheeks. His voice held no remorse. This was just another case to him. He treated all the cases the same. But not all were equal, some were more important to solve than others.

Like this one. The one that remained unsolved, when the murderer was in eyesight with a horrible aliby.

Sara looked down at the ground below her. Her eyes were met with nothingness.

No crime scene tape. No cross marking the spot where her life ended. Nothing.

Only the memory of Joann's twisted body laying on the rock below.

Sara took a shaky breath. Life truly wasn't fair. Sara was now thinking how much she despised her life. She lived to look at dead bodies. She lived to bring the murderer to justice. The idea sounds like a good way to live a life. Bring justice to victims. She could only think that she could have spent her life trying to stop the crime from even happening. Sara felt sick to her stomach.

The more she thought about it, the more she thought that life was funny. How people spent their whole life trying to build something that in the end will just be lost anyway. How could people live every day, knowing that everything they do won't matter in 10, 20, 30, 40 years? How could they live knowing that one day, everything they've worked for will fade into the darkness like the people before them? How could they have the strength?

Strength was one thing Sara was good a faking. She had strength, just enough to cover up how empty she had become. How waking up each day got harder and harder. She was surpriesed each day that she found the strength to pull herself out of bed, and into a word of lies, murders, and death. She wondered if people knew that one day she would crack. If they did, why didn't they try to help her? _'You need something other than work.' _Grissom had told her. But what did he have that she didn't? Bugs?

_No, _She told herself, _Strength._

Sweat formed on her forehead, she suddenly felt lightheaded. But she didn't move from the spot, the spot where Joann Duran was pushed, where she fell, above where she died.

Sara looked down at the small canyon. The only good thing that could come out of having a death like that was the ability to fly. _It wouldn't be so bad, being able to fly before you would die. It'd actually be ideal. Being able to let go._

A small breeze blew her hair in her face. It could end. It all could be over. Just a little strength and it'd be over.

She remembered in all the suicide cases she ever worked, everyone would saw that they had taken the cowards way out. But they never thought about how much courage it would take to end your life. They never thought that maybe there was no other way out. Maybe the person couldn't handle it anymore. Like herself.

Her hair weighed heavier and heavier as the heat weighed it down. She took a deep breath, only to find sufficating air fill her lungs. She closed her eyes, wondering _Do I have enough courage?_

_I could fly. _She told herself. _I could fly for myself. Not for anyone else but me. _

She smiled at the thought. Doing something for herself. Even the thought felt surreal. But she lifted her arms up and tilted her head back. _I could fly._

Her body leaned foreward, she felt at peace.

Untill arms snaked around her torso pulling her backward. She landed on a soft lump. She gave a groan before rolling to the side, landing on dry, hot earth.

"What the hell were you thinking!" Grissom's angery voice yelled, as his hand grabbed her upper arm and dragged her into a sitting position in frount of him kneeling.

Her eyes were focused on the cliff behind him. The one thing she had wanted for herself he had taken away.

Sara was angry.

"What the hell was I thinking!" Sara countered back, her voice raging. She quickly stood up, and tried to walk back to the edge, only to be grabbed on both forearms holding her in frount of him.

"Sara, what are you doing?" He asked, his voice ergent. Tears filled her eyes before she could stop them. Suddenly she looked in his eyes, surprised to see fear more than anger. But she was not going to let herself fall for it.

She tried to slap his arms away, but the harder she hit, the stronger his grip got.

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at _work_?" She screamed, looking up at him as his fingers dug harder into her arms, causing her pain.

"What are _you _doing here? Do you realize what you almost did! What's the matter with you, Sara!"

"Why did she have to die?" Sara asked, causing confustion to mask Grissom's face. "Wh-why did she have to die? She didn't deserve to die! And I, I couldn't even do my job and lock that murderer away! I couldn't even do that! So simple and I failed her!"

"Sara, you didn't fail anyone. You did your job."

She looked at him, his face was blury from the tears that still had yet to fall.

"If I did my job, that man would be behind bars!" She yelled, still trying to push his hands away. "If-if I did my job, he wouldn't have another chance to hurt another woman! None of them would!"

Grissom looked down at her, _He's studying me, _she thought, _Like evidence! That's all I am. A specimen. That's all I'll ever be to him!_

"You can't save everyone."

At that, she stopped pushing his arms away, all the unsed tears rolled down her cheeks. Her head lowered, ashamed. He pulled her close to him, she didn't fight.

His arms wrapped around her, and he suddenly realized, _She's too thin. When was the last time she ate? _He pulled her away from him, trying to get a good look at her. The tears had stopped falling, all that was left what a shell. She looked tired, _defeted._

He let go of her arms, and watched as she fell to the ground.

When she said 'it might be too late' he never thought that this was possible.

_I am too late. _He thought, looking down at Sara's body.

(A/N: Pleaseleave a review, let me know it you liked it, hated it, or even what you had for dinner last night! I don't care...just push the little button that says 'review'...you know you want to!)


	2. Part II

Disclaimer: Not mine.

(A/N: Alright, this is for all of you that reviewed and made my life! Now, I wasn't planing of writing this, but the cunfusion I left in the last chapter obviously confused some people...that's what I wanted it to be like, But I guess this here ruins it. I am planing to write another chapter after this one. It will be the last one, and I may take some time for it to show up. But thank you to everyone who reviewed!)

Darkness was enveloping her, not that she minded. Never was the dark this comforting, never. _It was nice_, she decided as she floated in the dark, _Just knowing that there's nothing there. Nothing to bother me, just the dark. _

Sara couldn't help but feel a small amount of amusment. When she was younger, the dark terrified her. She remembered everytime in a new home, having to let her gaurdians know that she needed a night light or she'd she her father's body or her mother covered in his blood.

But she had surpassed that stage in her life, she had seen too many bodies, too many lives gone to be afraid of the dark. Now in the dark she didn't see the bodies, it was the light she feared.

She wondered where she was, maybe she could return to this comfort sometime when everything got overwhelming. But she had no idea where she could be. _Well, this is strange._ She had thought before the investigater in her went to work.

_What is the last thing you remember?_ She asked herself.

Well, she had left Joann Duran's case unsolved...right? _Yes, what next? _Then she had gone to Grissom, to let everything out. _Yes, I remember that, too. _He had told her to get over it, then she went back to the scene. _Yeah, It was way too hot there... _She had overlooked the leadge, she had thought about flying. _And if I remember correctly, I had actually tried it, too. _

Suddenly a bright light shown and pain erupted in her body. She tried to breath, but it was getting harder, there was too much pain, too much.

_Was this how it felt to die? Will it be over soon? _

She was no longer floating, she was no longer in the dark, and she no longer felt comfortable.

"Doctor, What's going on?"

_Doctor? Does that mean I'm alive? Who's there?_

"One moment, Mr. Grissom, she's seems to be going through shock."

_I'm going through shock? This is what it feels like? Why is Grissom here?_

Sara had forced an eye open. White. That's all she saw. White. She closed her eye, the pain was not worth seeing. She'd rather be in that dark anyway.

"Sara, honey?" His voice called again, "Doctor is she alright?"

_Of corase I'm alright, what did you think? And what's with the 'honey' please don't start that again._

"Mr. Grissom, She'll be alright in a moment, please just hold on a second."

_I'm right here! You can try talking to me!_

Having enough of listening to their conversation, she opened both eyes, and blinked repeatedly.

"Sara!" Grissom's voice said again.

"Please wait a moment!" The doctor screeched.

Sara looked around. Hospital. She was in a hospital. This is not where she was planning to be.

The doctor had stuck a needle in her arm. She almost immediatly felt relieved. The doctor then turned his attention to Sara's eyes, using a small flashlight to check her pupil reaction.

"I'm fine." Sara croaked out in a very raspy voice.

"Ms. Sidle, do you know where you are?" The doctor asked, ignoring her last statment, and went on checking her eyes.

"Hospital." She said. _Is that my voice? _

"Very good. Do you know why you're here?"

"Well," She said, trying to build up saliva to soothe her throat. "I'm betting that something's wrong with me."

Before the doctor could answer, Sara felt pressure on her right hand she looked to it and saw that it was being held. Grissom stood looking at her, he looked tired with black circles under his eyes. _God, I hope I don't look that bad._

The doctor must have noticed that she wasn't paying attention to him anymore because he asked Grissom to leave the room, telling him to come back when visiting hours had started up again. He had left without a word.

Sara suddenly found herself abandoned. _Well, what did you expect? _

Sara turned her attention back to the doctor, "Water?"

She saw him nod, then he held a straw up to her lips. The water felt so good. It cooled her throat and she felt relaxed.

"So, Sara, do you remember how you got here? Do you know how long you've been here?" The doctor proaded.

"No." She answered. Why was she here? She tried to fly...but he wouldn't let her! That's what happened! _He wouldn't let me._ She was angery. She had fainted, then he had brought her here. _God, he was there? He saw me? _

"Ms. Sidle?" The doctor asked.

"When can I leave?" She asked forcing herself to sit up.

"Well, this is exactally what Mr. Grissom told me would happen. You'll be realised in a few days-" _Mr. Grissom said what? Like he really knows anything about me..._

"What's the matter with me?"

"You suffered from dehydration, lack of nutrition, and depression." He said almost remorsfully. _Hell, I'm glad it's nothing worse. What was I thinking up there? Did I want to die? _

Sara was standing by the window when she felt him enter the room. She kept her eyes on the busy street outside Desert Palms Hospital. She wasn't ready to see him. But he was here on time, she was to be released in about fifteen mimutes, and Grissom told her (through Catherine) that he would take her home. _Why's he here anyway? Why would he come? How could he have seen me like that, ready to end my life, then come here and pretend nothing happened?_

It had been three days since she woke up in the hospital, three days since she had last seen Grissom. He hadn't come back. Greg had been with her almost the full three days, only leaving when he had to work. Warrick and Nick had stopped by, and kept her company before their shift had started. Hell, even Catherine came by to check up on her. They all had told her that Grissom was worried about her, but it was too hard to believe when he hadn't come by.

_But he's here now, I have to give him some credit for that._

"You're going to take some time off work." He said. _Scratch that._

"I know." She took a deep breath, _If I don't tell him know I never will. _"I'm going to go back to California."

Sara turned to him then, to see his eyes shift from hers to the ground. She turned back to the window.

"I guess a plant won't make you stay this time."

Sara gave a humorous chuckle, "Not exactly."

"Look, Sara, I-" He was inturrupted by a knock at the door.

"Ms. Sidle?" Then a nurses head poked in, "I have your wheelchair."

Sara rolled her eyes. _Of corase, right when it seems he might have some breakthrough we're inturrupted. Maybe it's a sign..._

"Wheelchair?" Sara questioned as the nurse opened the door the rest of the way to show Sara that she was not joking. "Great." She mumbled as she walked over to the chair. Grabbing her bag on the way she sat down in the chair.

"Here," Grissom said walking over to her. "I'll push her."

Sara inwardly sighed, she wished that he would just go away.

Later, after the silent walk/roll to the front desk of the hospital, the silent ride home, they stood in her small apartment. Sara was wondering if he was going to leave soon, or talk about what had happened. She was praying for the first one.

Sara walked in the small kitchenette, and saw the familiar folder sitting on the counter. The folder that was Joann Duran's.

Sara gave a small sigh as all the frustrtion washed over her, the pain that had left her for her short time in the hospital.

Setting her perscritions on the counter, she pulled the folder in front of her. She flipped it open to see Joann's face, first before she died. Then one picture over, after her plunge to her death. She drew in a shaky breath. _So this is what I felt like a few days back. _

"Sara?" Grissom's voice questioned as she approached her.

She turned to him, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Sara, you have to let this go." She turned her attention back to the folder, and started picking at the edge of the picture.

"Why did you go there?" She asked, surprised when her voice sounded as raspy as it did back in the hospital.

"Where?" He asked, leaning against the counter next to her.

"The crime scene. Why did you go back?"

"I knew you'd be there."

Sara kept picking at the picture until Grissom closed the folder. She raised her eyes to meet his.

"Why were you going to do that?" He asked, his eyes filled with emotion. _Please don't do this to me now!_

"I don't...Grissom, I really don't know what I was doing."

He grabbed her hand, making her gasp involentarily. Why did he have to touch her? The burning sensation that started in her hand traveled up into her arm then spread throughout her whole body.

"Sara, when I saw you up there..." He stopped and closed his eyes.

_Well, you weren't supposed to be there._

Sara was looking down at their hands when she felt his other hand touch her face. Her eyes snapped to his.

"I can't lose you." He said, finally pulling her in for a hug.

"Gris, I'm already gone." She murmured into his chest.

(A/N: Sorry for all the spelling errors, Part III will be up in a while, I want to make it good, so give me a week or two. Maybe more...And please leave a review, let me know if going on was a good idea!

girly-do- When I started writing thisI did put Angst for a reason...but don't worry, the next chapter will be a little happier! Thanks for reviewing!

BloodOfEden-Thank you for reading all my stories and giving me such wonderfull reviews! You're totally awesome!

cherrydrops12- Umm, I'm happy that you got the food you were looking for...

drama-freak-csim-Thank you!

kimeno-pebols-It was a bit confusing wasn't it?

And to everyone else who reviewed, I would love to write a little thingy to you too, but my hand hurts, and I need to do some brainstorming for the next chapter!)  
REVIEW!...please?


	3. Part III

(A/N: I'm sorry this took so long to get put up. But here it is and Enjoy!)

Grissom looked up at her apartment. She was leaving. It was his fault.

He pulled the car keys out of the ignition; looked at her apartment, then shoved them back in. With a shake of his head, he turned on the engine, and then put the car in reverse.

Just as he was about to pull out he saw her face in his head again.

"Damnit!" He yelled to himself as put the car back in park.

He could just go up there, tell her that he was sorry, make her stay. He could see what would happen. She'd open the door, be surprised to see him, invite him in, he would tell her how he felt, she'd confess how she felt, and then they would kiss.

Too bad he didn't think that he couldn't actually do it.

Grissom sighed louder…when had everything got this bad? When had Sara fallen so far that she would consider suicide? It had to have developed over time…why hadn't he seen it? He was an investigator; it was his job to notice people! How could he disregard Sara like that?

_I wouldn't have. _He told himself. Of course he wouldn't forget her…. He was her friend, right? And a friend would have noticed if their friend had gotten that that bad. Maybe he was just a bad friend. He would never forget Sara. But could she forget him?

She looked around her empty apartment. Sara was actually leaving. Leaving her job, leaving Las Vegas, leaving Grissom.

She took a deep breath. She was going to really do it; she was going to leave.

Sara grabbed her purse off the empty counter and started for the door. She was surprised when someone knocked on it.

Grissom stood on the other side of the door.

"Hello." He said, entering the apartment. Sara watched as he looked around and his face became unreadable.

"Hi." She answered shortly, hoping that he would leave soon, she couldn't put up with him when he was looking the way he was.

"So you're leaving, then?" He asked.

Sara gave him a skeptical look, and then answered, "Yeah, I put in put two weeks notice two weeks ago."

"I know." He answered shortly.

Sara just nodded, not knowing why he was there. Or what he was planning to accomplish.

He turned to her, his icy blue eyes staring right into her dark brown eyes. Sara tried not to notice the look in his eyes, she felt as if he was looking into her soul. Sara quickly averted her eyes, releasing a breath that she didn't know she was holding.

"Grissom, I don't know why you're here, but I need to leave." She said, clutching her purse, hoping that he would just leave.

"Sara, what happened?" He asked. She looked back up at him.

"What do you mean?" She asked back wishing that they could just each go their separate ways. She didn't want him to hurt her more than he already did.

"What happened. Why were you there? Why would even thing of doing something like that?" He asked as he neared her.

"We already talked about that. I'll be ok once I leave." After she said those words, she watched as he closed his eyes in pain; she didn't mean to hurt him, he was always the one to hurt her. Maybe he hadn't always meant to hurt her. _No, don't think like that. I'll end up staying then. I _need_ to leave._

She watched him as he looked up. His eyes looked so sad, so hopeless, and so lonely. Just like hers.

"I don't want you to go." He said in a soft voice.

_God, why did you have to say that! _Sara wondered, _Why couldn't you have said something else… like the _lab_ can't have me leave! Why does he do this to me? I already made my choice._

Sara turned away, all her frustration and sadness turned to anger.

"How could you say that?" She asked softly. "How could you say that as I'm walking out the door?"

"I don't want you to leave, I need you to stay." He said back just as softly.

Sara turned around sharply and threw her purse across the room.

"That's right, Grissom!" She yelled at him, "You NEED me, so I turn around, and go running to you!" She advanced on him, tears welling up in her eyes that she wanted to keep from him, she had to show him that she had strength, that she would not roll over on this.

"Sara, I'm sorry." He said in a very defeated voice.

"Of coarse you are! I'm leaving! That's the only time you're ever sorry! Not after you fuck up! Not after you hurt me over and over again! Only when I'm halfway out the door! You think I'm gonna stay for this shit? Well you thought wrong!"

They both were silent for a moment, She moved so she was right in his face, until they each felt the other's breath, until they each could feel the other shaking from anger, then in a very soft voice, Grissom asked,

"Is this what you meant by too late? Because you're starting to confuse me." His voice raised until it matched Sara's, "Am I too late when you find a younger man? When you get up and leave? Or am I only too late after you kill yourself! I want to know what I'm dealing with, here."

Sara stared at him open mouthed.

"You bastered!" Sara yelled, using her hands to push him away from her, "You fucking bastered! You don't know the hell that I've lived through, the hell I live through everyday! Did you know that it physically hurt to push myself to go to work! No, I bet you didn't! Because you have your head too far up in your ass to see anything!"

"Sara, did you even think while you were up there! Did you think of anyone while you were going to end your life! Or were you just thinking of yourself!" He said as they started going round in circles.

"You have no idea how much I thought up there! You have no idea what happened there! Everything made so much sense! It was so clear! The only thing that I couldn't make any sense of was why I'm still in love with you!"

As soon as the words left her mouth she wished she could take them back. She turned from him, and covered her mouth. _How could I have actually told him that? Why couldn't have kept my mouth shut?_ Tears fell out of her eyes. The sadness only increased when she didn't hear him say anything at all.

After moments of a very uncomfortable silence, Sara turned around bravely, trying to keep emotion out of her eyes.

"I would like you to leave now." She said coldly.

Grissom stared at her, his face empty of all emotion. Sara couldn't help but think bitterly, _And you wanted me to stay, you can't even turn me down properly. _

After another moment of neither one of them moving, Sara started to the door. If he wasn't going to leave, she sure as hell wasn't about to stay.

Grissom moved so he was blocking her path. She looked up at him angrily, hoping that a simple glare would make him move; but he still held his ground.

_Damnit, just move! Let me get out of here with out you hurting me anymore! Please just let me leave. _Sara silently pleaded with him.

He still held his ground.

"Grissom, move." She growled, ignoring the hot tears that kept running down her face. She really needed to get out of there.

"No." He answered shortly.

Sara huffed in disbelief, "No?" He nodded, "No as in you don't understand me, or as in you won't move?"

"I'm not moving, Sara. We need to talk." He said, backing up against the door, to further trap Sara.

"You know what? I'm not in the mood to talk. Move."

"No."

"Move."

"Sara, I'm not moving." He said with a small chuckle. _How could he even dare laugh now?_ "So no matter how many times you ask me to, I won't."

"Goddamnit Grissom, What do you want!" Sara yelled, she had noticed her voice was becoming scratchy, whether from all the screaming or crying she was doing; she would never know. "What do you need in order to leave me alone!"

"I need you."

Sara hit him across the face. "No, no, no, no! Damnit Grissom!" She yelled as she continued hitting him on his chest, "No! You leave me alone! Let me go!" She screamed when he, once again, grabbed her wrists to prevent him from hitting her.

Sara continued trying to hit Grissom until he pulled her to him in a kiss. She immediately melted, damn him. She was still moving her arms, trying to get him to let go of hers with little success.

When Grissom finally did remove his hands from holding her wrists, they encircled up and behind his neck. He put his arms around her waist and pulled her too him. He felt her hot tears continue to pour out of her eyes.

They both ceased kissing at the same time, lack of oxygen being the reason.

"Please don't leave." Grissom said, leaning his forehead against hers.

"Grissom, I don't know how I can stay." She said as she pushed herself away from him. He held her to him.

"Just stay."

She looked uncertain as she moved her focus from his eyes to his collar of his shirt and played with it silently. She couldn't stay, she had all her bags packed, she quit her job, and she had nothing left- except for Grissom. Was he worth it? She ceased playing with his collar. Of coarse he was worth it…but would he leave her? She knew that she wouldn't be able to survive without him.

When she finally did speak, Grissom sucked in a breath.

"You do realize that you're stuck with me now, right?" She said, while her mind was begging for more confirmation that he meant that he wanted them to be together.

The breath that Grissom was holding came out in a sigh of relief. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Sara gave him a smile, while still looking at his collar. He could tell that she was still uncertain, so he leaned in to kiss her when he mumbled,

"I do love you, too though. Just thought you should know."

The kind of flying that Sara felt then was nothing compared to the flying she had almost experienced that day. This flying in fact was so much better she couldn't help but smile into Grissom's lips as he placed another kiss on her own. Somehow, she knew that everything would be ok. As long as she was with him.

(A/N: I tried to end it happily for you girly-do! This is the best I could do. I hope youguys all liked it, Thank you for all your wonderful reviews, you guys are awesome! Leave me another one, let me know how you liked this ending, if you thought it was believeable, or whatever, but thanks for everything!)


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